saturnus version 2.0

i now understand why people choose to have children. now matter how much they disappoint you, no matter how many times they slam the door, they always come back. they remain yours forever. i miss my child, i miss my unborn child that knocked so many times at my inner-selfs door, but chose never to show his footprints on the verge of my existence. my womb is hollowed of his violent denial. he renegaded me from the start. as a given fact. such a shame. i would have been an excellent mother. if he were a monster i would had stayed and pilled his horns, i would had let him chew my breasts and scratch my skin, i would had let him to mutilate me, i would had licked his tears and forced his sorrow to go away. i would had kept the hybris for myself from the start.
i tried to talk to goya these days. such a great painter. a little bit too silent and evasive though. saturn was staying right next to him like a wounded dog. he didn't say a word. he was afraid even to think of one. fear was flowing around him. whenever he sobbed, goya took the whip he was holding in his left hand and hit him. ''sssshhhh. there's nothing left of your son inside you. the last bite was the sweetest for it was the last.'' there' s nothing left but hunger for the poor creature now. his hunger invades me. just like my parents' invaded me once.